Vote For Six-Headed Zombie Hitler To Stop Seven-Headed Zombie Hitler

Listen to a reading by Caitlin Johnstone and Tim Foley:

Jack: So have you given any thought to who you’re going to vote for in November?

Jill: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it a lot actually. I think I’m gonna sit this one out, or maybe vote third party.

Jack: What?? Don’t you know democracy is on the line this election?? Jill, this is the most important election of our lifetimes!

Jill: Jack they say that every election.

Jack: But this time it’s true, Jill! Seven-Headed Zombie Hitler wants to commit genocide and take over the world!

Jill: So does his opponent, Six-Headed Zombie Hitler.

Jack: Look, I’m not saying Six-Headed Zombie Hitler is perfect, but come on! He’s obviously WAY better than Seven-Headed Zombie Hitler! Sometimes you just have to vote for the lesser evil.

Jill: It’s not even clear to me that Six-Headed Zombie Hitler is meaningfully less evil than Seven-Headed Zombie Hitler, Jack! I mean, Six-Headed Zombie Hitler is really, really evil! What about all that genocide and imperialism he’s been supporting?

Jack: Okay but do you want all that genocide and imperialism to be perpetrated by a Zombie Hitler with even more heads? Just imagine how much worse it could get with that extra Zombie Hitler head added into the mix!

Jill: But Jack, doesn’t it feel kind of silly to even be debating this stuff anymore? At some point don’t we have to stop acting like the election results are the problem, when the real problem is clearly a system that’s so corrupt and undemocratic that it now forces us to choose between being ruled by undead Nazi hydra monsters with six heads or seven heads?

Jack: Jill, now’s not the time. Let’s just focus on getting Six-Headed Zombie Hitler into office, and then we can pressure him from the left to enact the policies we want! We can have our little revolution after we’ve stopped Seven-Headed Zombie Hitler.

Jill: That’s what you say now, but next election cycle they’ll roll out another Zombie Hitler with even more heads and you’ll be saying the same thing.

Jack: There’s a Zombie Hitler with even more than seven heads?? Gosh, Seven-Headed Zombie Hitler doesn’t look so bad anymore!

Jill: See that’s exactly what I’m talking about! This keeps happening! We keep finding ourselves in situations where we have to keep voting for a “lesser evil” who’s more and more evil each election cycle. When I was younger they told us we had to choose the least bad of two corrupt warmongering oligarch puppets who want America to rule the world, then at some point they started telling us we have to choose between two candidates who both literally support genocide, and now we’re seeing presidential races where it’s just a bunch of mad scientists creating Zombie Hitler monsters with more and more heads!

Jack: But Jill—

Jill: Where is the line, Jack?? Where is the line of evil you won’t cross beyond? At what point do you stop supporting evil monsters to defeat other slightly more evil-looking monsters? At what point do you say “Nope, that’s too much evil for me, it’s the system itself that needs to be defeated”?

Jack: I’d definitely never go higher than twelve heads.

Jill: Gah!

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