I have invented a synergistic dongle widget
which uses VPN robo-cybertechnology
to turn millionaires into billionaires.
get in on the ground floor
and invest.

I have invented a new rechargeable battery
which is made entirely of eco-friendly materials
by the youngest slaves in Bangladesh.

I have invented a virtual home assistant
called Amazon Snitch
which automatically forwards all your dissident political opinions
directly to the CIA.
It costs seven hundred dollars.

I have invented a type of GMO corn
which is immune to disease
and immune to herbicides
and immune to fire
and immune to reason
and immune to the human digestive system
and immune to nuclear radiation.
You don’t need to use unhealthy pesticides;
you can dust these crops with napalm.

I have invented a new kind of drone
which turns another country’s airspace
into your country’s airspace.

I have invented a new guilt-free ice cream.
It is full of fat and sugar,
and it is not vegan,
but it contains psilocybin
so when you eat it you can see that guilt
is an unhelpful tool of societal manipulation
which may be safely dispensed with.

I have invented a new dating app
which messages anyone whose photo you click,
“I am lonely,
and I fear dying alone,
and we’re on an orb that is spinning through space,
and I’m confused,
and I’m pretty sure everything I believe is a lie,
but your face is attractive to me,
and while I am very, very far from perfect,
I am willing to make myself vulnerable
and take a chance on whatever love is.”

I have invented a magical spell
which you cast by placing your palm upon the earth.
It makes you feel that you are home,
nourished and safe
as you felt when you were in the womb.
It lets you feel quiet and still,
certain that you belong here,
and that,
deep down,
everything is always ultimately okay.

That last one is free.
You can use it whenever you want to.






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