The Difference Between Republicans And Democrats

Caitlin Johnstone
4 min readFeb 23, 2024

Listen to a reading of this article (reading by Tim Foley):

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that if a Republican president were to back a genocide it would be an evil and unforgivable atrocity, whereas when a Democrat president backs a genocide it’s a minor foible that you’d better shut up about unless you want Trump to win.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans want to keep destroying Gaza because they love killing Muslims, whereas Democrats want to keep destroying Gaza because something something it’s all Netanyahu’s fault anyway hey let’s go back to talking about Trump.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans argue in support of wars, militarism, capitalism and oppression using right-wing language, whereas Democrats argue in support of wars, militarism, capitalism and oppression using left-wing language.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans do evil things for evil reasons, whereas Democrats do evil things for noble humanitarian reasons.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans facilitate all the interests of the US empire because America is strong and godly and should rule the world, whereas Democrats facilitate all the interests of the US empire because America is liberal and egalitarian and defends the rules-based international order.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans want to start a world war with China, whereas Democrats are strongly in favor of starting a world war with Russia.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans cheered for the invasion of Iraq solely because it was waged by George W Bush, whereas Democrats criticized the invasion of Iraq solely because it was waged by George W Bush.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that the people massacring civilians in the global south under Republican administrations are racist homophobic misogynistic bigots, whereas the people massacring civilians in the global south under Democratic administrations are inclusive intersectional feminist LGBTQ allies.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans criticize Democrats for made-up nonsense reasons like wokeness, whereas Democrats criticize Republicans for made-up nonsense reasons like Russiagate.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans promise to end civil rights if you vote Republican, whereas Democrats promise to let Republicans end civil rights if you vote Republican.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans are led by demented octogenarian swamp monsters who can’t string a sentence together and have spent decades in office promoting ecocide, imperialism, exploitation and oligarchy, whereas Democrats — oh, well I guess that one’s both of them actually.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that liberals feel bad feelings when Republicans are overseeing the imperial bloodbaths and feel good feelings when Democrats are.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that when a Republican is president it’s time to yell and scream about any bad things he does, whereas when a Democrat is president it’s time for brunch.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that when Republicans do the monstrous things necessary to maintain a globe-spanning empire they’re the greater evil, whereas when Democrats do the monstrous things necessary to maintain a globe-spanning empire they’re the lesser evil.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that when the imperial murder machine has an (R) on it we’re meant to frown, and when the imperial murder machine has a (D) on it we’re meant to smile.

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