On Orgasm And Female Sexuality

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This article contains graphic sexual content, which I guess is pretty obvious from the title. I have written the following in broad generalities that any mature adult will be able to read with the understanding that there are obviously exceptions. When I say “women” I do not mean “all women all the time in every possible situation”, and when I say “men” I do not mean “all men all the time in every possible situation.” I write here about heterosexual cis sex because that is what I know, not because I believe that’s the only form of sexual expression.

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I got my first vibrator as a gift back in 1993. I looked at the pink, smooth plastic phallus, leaned in to my friend who’d given it to me, and said, “Uhh, I don’t think this will work for me?”

She knew exactly what I meant. “Oh, you just lay it on top of your pussy so it sits on your clit,” she said.

I remember thinking to myself, then why bother shaping it like a penis? Men don’t do that during sex. They don’t lay their cocks on our clitorises and buzz them until we come. They shove it in and out until they come.

They sucked at making vibrators back in 1993. This was before they started making them with those rabbit clit stimulator parts, or even really building them with an understanding of what actually gives women orgasms. Mine was built to be inserted into the vagina, with no hope of it ever even brushing against my clit. Even to get the straight cylindrical plastic to hit my g-spot I’d have to twist around and insert it into myself from behind at a difficult angle, and, let’s face it ladies, g-spot orgasms aren’t all that.

They’re not. I know we’re all meant to pretend that what happens to our bodies when men porn fuck us at the right angle is at least as pleasurable and satisfying as a clitoral orgasm, if not more so. Men love it when we gush about the magical and wonderful the sort of orgasm we have when they’re deep dicking us like Ron Jeremy, so some women say exactly that, because most women expend a great deal of mental energy throughout their lives working to prevent men from feeling sexually inadequate. They do that for all sorts of reasons, mostly to do with their own safety.

It’s an outrageous heresy to say otherwise, but if you get a group of trusting girlfriends together in a safe space to compare notes you’ll come up with a general consensus that clitoral orgasms are where the actual pleasure and satisfaction are located, while g-spot orgasms just kinda give you a really big feeling, send you to a trippy head space, and make your body do strange things. They look spectacular, especially when men give them to us on purpose with their fingers; there’s lots of shaking and moaning, maybe even some squirting, but the actual experience of a g-spot-only orgasm, if we’re really honest with ourselves, is not anything you’d call pleasure. When women masturbate themselves, they stimulate the clit for a reason. The clit orgasm is the pleasurable one. For the most part, g-spot orgasms are an emotional crutch both genders have given themselves to compensate for the fact that female sexual pleasure is still very much on the back burner in 2018.

And that, obviously, is a problem. It is a problem that most sex still happens in a way that is disinterested in whether or not there is a severe pleasure disparity between participants. In a healthy world, sex would happen because both partners want to experience sexual pleasure, not because one partner wants to experience sexual pleasure and the other partner has been pressured into it by guilt, by marital expectations, by manipulation, by fear of losing a provider for her children, or by a society-enforced sense of obligation. And we should all want to help create a healthy world.

There is no valid reason sex should happen if both partners aren’t into it. Wives and girlfriends should not “put out” just because their partner is horny; if a man wants sex from his partner, he should get it by making himself desirable. Making himself desirable means treating her right and being a good partner; her sexual desire won’t open up to him if he is unkind or unreliable. Making himself desirable means making sure that there are no pressing financial or domestic concerns, because female sexuality, tied as it is to her reproductive system, tends to shut down when her life isn’t at the level of stability and abundance you’d want if you were going to bring a baby into the world. Making himself desirable means taking all the burdens of sexual obligation off of her and telling her sincerely that he only wants to have sex with her if she desires it, and waiting patiently while she peels back the layers of culturally-enforced sexual subjugation to discover her own organic sexual desire for herself. And making himself desirable means learning to pay tons of attention to the clitoris, so she’ll enjoy sex and want more rather than less.

When female sexual pleasure is treated with the same importance as male sexual pleasure, sex looks nothing like what you see in porn. Porn is generally where most men and women are getting their ideas about what sex is supposed to look like, and it’s no more enlightened than when people were taking their instructions on how to have sex from the Catholic Church. Porn, simply put, is professional actresses acting out what male sexuality looks like. It is not what female sexuality looks like.

How often do you see a porn scene where the man licks and sucks a woman’s clitoris until she reaches orgasm? How often do you see the male porn star fucking the woman’s pussy while stimulating her clitoris with his hand until she comes? Basically never. A heterosexual couples porn scene typically consists of a penis going in and out of various orifices while the actress moans, and concludes when he ejaculates all over her face/dignity.

And minus the obligatory face mask of reproductive fluids, this is how most couples tend to have sex. It’s a straight line toward the male orgasm, with perhaps some polite gestures in the direction of her pleasure known as “foreplay” if he’s feeling generous, and she’s welcome to try and find some way to get off before he ejaculates and loses interest. The word “foreplay” itself tells you all you need to know about where the priority of emphasis is placed in most bedrooms; the stuff that actually gives women orgasms is just some brief playing you do to warm her up before the real show.

Sex is actually a lot more mutually enjoyable if this is switched around. Rather than making the cock and its orgasm the center and goal of sex, make the clit and its orgasm the center and goal. Basically the only advantage in having the clitoris so far from the opening of the vagina is that we can be fucked with great enthusiasm after we come without it causing discomfort to our clits, which are sensitive after orgasm. After we’ve had a roaring clitoral orgasm, our pussies are wet and warmed up and ready to be fucked, and our clits are sufficiently out of the way to avoid discomfort.

And the man’s fun needn’t wait to start when ours ends; there are many ways for him to have tons of pleasure while still keeping his attention focused on the clit until she comes. I haven’t spoken with many women who can reach orgasm in the 69 position, but if both partners enjoy that and the woman can come that way, more power to them both. He can also stimulate her clit with the tips of his first two fingers while she rubs his cock with her hand. Use a nice thick lubricant like paw paw ointment on the clit, because orgasms take time, dry friction on the clit ruins everything, and thin lubes don’t last long enough.

And you’d never guess this by watching porn, but it is both possible and easy to have intercourse while the man stimulates the clit with his hand, and it’s intensely pleasurable for both partners. The best position for this is with the woman on her back and the man on his side, either with her near leg laying across his body or her near foot braced on the wall behind him while he fucks her. If he lays on his left side he can easily reach under her near leg with his right hand and can rub her clit (don’t forget the lube) while fucking her very easily and comfortably with his head resting on a pillow, for as long as it takes until she comes on his cock. Clitoral stimulation makes the pussy tighten up, so it’s actually ideal for both partners: him because tightness feels great and for her because the cock gives her pussy something to chew on while her clit is being pleasured. I can’t find an image of this position anywhere online, so I’ve drawn a G-rated illustration of it below:

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But that can be a bit of an advanced move. For many women, just letting a man patiently pleasure her with his hand until she comes can be very confrontational, and take a lot of inner work to process. Motherhood and other social pressures often warp women’s psyches against the act of receiving to such an extent that simply receiving pleasure can be a mighty tall order by itself without adding penetration and all that jazz on top of it all, to say nothing of the challenge of having an orgasm in front of a man she may never have come for previously.

The key with all of this is patience. The reason most women fake orgasms during sex is because they feel pressure from the man to get off, and to get off a certain way. To have the real thing means removing all that pressure and letting her really deeply trust that he’ll lay by her side rubbing her clit while she learns to let the pleasure in, even if it means her stopping everything after an hour without even coming and she spent half that time crying and processing weird memories. If he makes her feel confident that he will keep touching her how she likes to be touched for as long as it takes, she will begin having orgasms, and having them more and more easily.

Not all women will need to work through it in this way, but a lot will, and if their partners truly love them they’ll be happy to join them in this adventure. Putting her sexuality first without pressuring her or leaning on her in any way and helping her discover how to share her own pleasure and sexual desire is one of the most loving things a man can do for a woman.

If a man truly loves a woman, he’ll want the real thing. He’ll want her to have real orgasms with him and real desire for him, and he’ll patiently do whatever it takes to get it. He won’t want to have sex with her unless she’s really hot for it, and will make her feel confident knowing that he’ll be fine going any length of time without sex until that happens. Depending on how conscious the man’s sexuality is, he can either jerk off when he’s horny until she’s ready for him, or he can learn to channel his powerful male sexual energy into creativity and self development. Contrary to the misogynistic doctrine of our culture, men are able to go an indefinite period of time without inserting their penises into a body, and a loving man will acknowledge this to his lover rather than trying to pressure or manipulate her into something she doesn’t truly desire.

A woman’s authentic sexual desire is the hottest thing in the world. When a man helps a woman create space for herself to let that desire flourish, he’ll see immediately that this was what he’s wanted all along, and that it’s what men have been reaching for but failing to grasp with all the porn and prostitutes and societal pressures to make women “put out” even when they don’t want to. Any man who loves his lover can have a woman who desires sex from him the way he desires it from her; he just has to be willing to work through some layers of cultural conditioning with her to get there. And then the world will be freer by that much.

This essay is probably going to make as many women uncomfortable as it does men. Many many women have been lying and faking and not asking for what they want for so very long now and the thought of him finding out is terrifying. If you’re one of those women reading this now, just relax and let me say my thing. Don’t double down and make a big social media show of how like you love it porn-style; you know you stimulate your clit when you masturbate. Getting yourself an ongoing pleasure-filled life is more important than his fleeting embarrassment. If he loves you, he wants this for you more than he wants the idea that you are already getting it from him.

And for the men who suspect that this might be their woman, remember that for her, it all started with one little white lie to save your feelings. She lied that first time because she was falling for you and she wanted your happiness more than she needed to get off. That one lie necessarily lead to another and another, but this all started because she really really liked you and she didn’t want you to feel bad. She likes you, man! She really likes you. Take heart. Take heart, and take direction. You won’t regret it.

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Thanks for reading! The best way to get around the internet censors and make sure you see the stuff I publish is to subscribe to the mailing list for my website, which will get you an email notification for everything I publish. My articles are entirely reader-supported, so if you enjoyed this piece please consider sharing it around, liking me on Facebook, following my antics on Twitter, throwing some money into my hat on Patreon or Paypal, buying my new book Rogue Nation: Psychonautical Adventures With Caitlin Johnstone, or my previous book Woke: A Field Guide for Utopia Preppers.

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I write about the end of illusions.

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