Equality Triumphs! Women Now Lead World In Clubbing Baby Seals

Today’s Caitlin Johnstone article has been replaced with a breaking news story by the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.

Move over, fellas! The seal fur industry has a new set of industrious cutting-edge leaders, and baby, they wear heels to the office.

In what is being hailed as yet another major advancement for gender equality following women’s recent rise to the top of both the military-industrial complex and the CIA, new data indicates that for the first time in history women comprise the majority of seal fur employees paid to bash baby seals in the head with clubs to sell their hides, and four out of the top five CEOs in the industry are female.

“We’re not riding in the passenger seat anymore, sisters!” exclaimed Adrianna VanHoven at a recent conference where she was named Chief Executive Officer of leading seal fur exporter KlitchCo Furs, adding, “I am thrilled to be part of an exciting movement towards true gender equality where anyone, whether they identify as male, female or non-binary, can pick up a club and bash an infant seal right in the fucking face for money.”

“Yaaaaass queen!” tweeted Senator Elizabeth Warren in response to VanHoven’s speech, with a picture of herself holding an unopened bottle of beer to her lips.

“We’re seeing an environment where women are able to rise to the top in any field, so long as they’re just as willing to export weapons, stage coups, and club as many baby seals in the head as their male counterparts,” said Karen Plum, professor of gender studies at UC Berkeley. “As the public becomes comfortable with the fact that women are just as capable of ending life for profit as men are, we’re seeing a corresponding rapid emergence of a new paradigm in which gender inequality is becoming a thing of the past. Women are learning that as long as they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead, and if they’re able to shut off that weak, worthless part of themselves which feels and empathizes, they are not limited by their gender in the things they are capable of achieving.”

The dominance of women in the seal fur industry has not been without its critics, however. Nancy Applebaum of Trenton, New Jersey recently posted a video on Facebook which has since gone viral questioning whether the rise of women to the top of violent and destructive careers is anything to cheer about.

“I just kind of think a lot of these jobs don’t actually help anyone or accomplish anything useful,” Applebaum told NNC. “ It seems like all this equality talk is just to help people feel good about continuing to do absolutely horrible things. What good is killing a baby seal for its fur? What good is dominating the military-industrial complex? What good is leading the CIA? Is that really what we want feminism to be about? The equal right to make billionaires richer at the expense of terrestrial life? Women taking over jobs that were created by men out of the very worst male impulses? Shouldn’t feminism be about changing the system which values such violent and sociopathic career paths?”

“Well actually, the system is basically fine the way it is,” interjected Applebaum’s husband Will. “The economy is growing, women are getting more money, and everyone’s doing great. Feminism is actually about maintaining that perfect system while teaching women how to thrive in it. Now come to bed.”

“Yes dear,” Applebaum replied.


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